The Case for Corned Beef

Picture this: Me: an unstoppable force of American special forces commandos, my fork like a laser-guided camera-equipped smart bomb descending upon the pile of corned beef hash in front of me, which is cowering in terror like a rag-tag handful of defenseless rural Afghani farmers huddled in a mud hut. Fast forward to moments later: An Afghani patriarch tearing his beard in shame as I ravage his meagre possessions and strip-search his burkha-clad daughters in search of every last ak-47 (tender morsel). Fast forward to moments later. Only the plate, like a desolate, smart-bombed wasteland, and a tumbleweed-like sprig of parsley remain. The farmers have been fully “evacuated,” their pathetic farm and all its dusty holdings bombed back to the neolithic just for the delicious hell of it.

Yes my friends, I have just described to you what happens when a hungry man meets a plate mounded high with piping hot corned beef. I bring you this polemic for the sake of corned beef because lately all I’ve been hearing about is pancakes this, flapjacks that. Well let me first tell you that I don’t actually ‘mind’ pancakes. They’re o.k. But breakfast is a war, my friend, and savory beats sweet like a punching bag full of rotten tomatoes. Let us look at the nutritional value of pancakes vs. corned beef. Pancakes provide you with precisely two things of nutritional value.

Maple syrup. I have heard that eating maple leaves is good for you so I can’t really find any fault with the maple syrup, unless you’re eating that Mrs.Butterworth’s shit which is about as maple as my christmas tree.

Arterial plaques. Contrary to popular medical belief, pancake inside the human body reverts to its original batter-like state where it is absorbed directly into the bloodstream in order to ‘coat’ your veins and arteries. This is bad for you.

Corned Beef, on the other hand, provides one with three essential substances.

Potatoes. These are deliciously fried to absorb artery-lubricating oils which decrease friction inside the vascular system, facilitating/speeding the flow of blood throughout your body.

Beef. Beef provides protein, which is both delicious and beneficial in building an incredibly powerful physique.

Vegetables. There are typically three types of vegetables in corned-beef hash.

1. Onions, to provide you with the necessary gasses with which to amuse your breakfast-mates.

2. Green or some colour bell-peppers. I don’t eat these, so I can’t say what they do. They do make the dish look good and are probably good for you.

3. This is the one that everyone forgets: Corn! Of course, corned beef hash contains extreme amounts of cornly goodness which has been packed into the tender slices of beef. How they get the corn into the beef is an unfathomable on par with the Caramilk secret, but rest assured that its all there, many delicious helpings of golden-buttered corn kernels conveniently absorbed right into the beef. Have you ever seen a thin man eating pancakes? I am going to predict your response: “rarely.”

Now that I’ve made the nutritional case pretty cut and dried let us move on to the hot sauce. Hot sauce is to the human diet as glue is to the retarded diet. One simply must get their daily intake. Now I’m not saying it’s wrong, because god forbid putting hot sauce on anything is wrong, but have you ever seen someone unload the tabasco on a buttery triple-stack? Unlikely. However, hot sauce complements a plate of corned beef like Will complements Grace. or Jack complements Will. or Grace, or whatever. Who cares? The point is that putting hot sauce on corned beef is a very deliciously sexy proposition. The next time you out for breakfast, and you see some dude going at a plate of corned beef with the mordacity of a tongueless lesbian with no arms, drop by and congratulate the author on making the right choice.