South East Asia – Part 2: One night in Bangkok

Sawat-dii kraap, peasants, 

Where to start with Bangkok…I’ve had so many experiences already, some good, some not-so good, but all worthwhile. Let’s see, there are two kinds of people in Bangkok…tourists and people looking to rip them off. If you hadn’t guessed, I fall under the former column and I must admit, when everywhere you go, everything you do involves greedy Thais looking to fleece you, you wise up quick. One night in Bangkok perhaps makes the hard man humble but three nights in Bangkok makes the humble mad jaded, paraniod and really, really sweaty ( and I mean sticky, greasy, Roger Ebert doing situps sweaty). 

Upon arrival, I wandered into Khao San road full of wonder and awe. Things here are like nothing I’ve ever imagined. I pull in at midnight and the place is teeming with tourists. Germans, Scandinavians, basically white people of all varieties including the seasoned, dreadlocked, leatherskinned “traveller dudes”, possibly the most disgusting people you can imagine. These people seemingly drift from town to town hanging out and latching on to fresh meat. They have no fixed address and are usually northwards of 30 with no prospects or ambitions other than to drink more cheap beer and get grungier and more horribly tanned. But I digress. 

Having arrived so late, I wandered up and down the street in search of the Lonely Planet’s recommened hostels figuring, hey, it’s in a travel book, it’s got to be quality. Finding all of these places full, I got off the proverbial “beaten path” and searched out any place to rest my 36ish hour sleepless carcass. I eventually came upon a place with vacancy and, sight unseen, took the room for 100 baht per night (approx $3.75 CAN) as I was lead up the stairs by a sketchy looking Thai, I caught a largish roach scuttling along out of the corner of my eye. Wonderful. As the door was swung open to my room, I let out a “ugh” all the while the smug Thai smirked and laughed. I don’t know how many of you are familiar with “the hole”, a place often depicted in prison movies where the hero get sent to do hard time. it’s about 5×8 and is where the prisoners get sent if they’ve been bad. I would describe this as “the Hole” without all the amenities, unless, of course, you consider ants an amenity. At any rate, I was so bagged, I couldn’t argue and quickly passed out on the soiled sheets, a buzzing fan loosely tethered above my head to keep the humidity at bay. 

The next morning I quickly gathered my belongings and searched out a new hostel. The Lucky Beer was one recommened by LP so I happily ponied up the 100B for a room there. Much to my dismay, this room only very slightly superceded the quality of the last place. Figuring that this must be the way of things over here, I resigned myself to lacklustre accomodations for the sake of parsimony. Craving a shower more than anything, I hit the bathroom to discover that the shower, toilet and urinal were all in one room, one closet sized room. Oh, and the Thai’s apparently arent’ too big into toilet paper. They do have a hose attached to the wall next to the throne. I think the idea is that you’re supposed to spray your ass clean, resulting in a do it yourself makeshift enema about once a day. Oh well, when in Rome… 

I must admit, I enjoy the food here immensely and everything you hear about it being so cheap is true if you eat certain things. I generally start the morning off with a fresh fruit shake for about 50 cents (which you drink from a baggie) and some Patthai for about 35 cents (soooo tasty). Ive srpung for restaurants several times but the real cheap stuff seems to be on the street. Yeah, it’s of questionable quality but it’s tough to say no to cheap eats, cat or no cat. Beer is not as cheap as I would have liked but if you drink the 7-11 local shite brew, you can save yourself a pretty penny. 

I was lucky enough to arrive at about the same time as my friends Rey and Clara and was able to meet up with them on the second day I was here. This, however was after I’d had a chance to attempt to get around the city on my own. This was both enjoyable and painful as I was quickly introduced to the Thai tourism industry…their motto is, basically, make whitey pay through the nose for every possible thing. I spent a goodly amount of time being driven around by Tuk-tuk drivers to jewelry and silk stores for “number one deal!!!!” 

Now, I’m a faily accepting guy, easygoing, friendly and genuinely interested in Thai people and their way of life but I’d like to go on the record right now as saying that I unequivocably hate (truly hate) Tuk-tuk drivers. Everything is such a negotiation with them, you have to talk to 5 or 10 before you can find someone willing to take you somewhere, sans “detours” at a reasonable price (note: no one’s looking for a super-duper insiders deal, we just want a fair shake) Even then you have to bicker and haggle over details. I came here fully expecting, even looking forward to, bargaining with these people but it gets exhausting and demoralizing when you know you’re getting a royal ass-raping everytime. Sigh. I will admit that riding in the tuk-tuks is one of the more cardiac arrest inducing things I’ve done. I can’t discern that there are any speed limits or traffic laws whatsoever in Bangkok and the tuk-tuk drivers take full advantage of this. If any of you have seen the scene in Temple of Doom where Indy is racing through that subterranean mindshaft in the mining cart, you have a pretty good idea of what riding in a tuk-tuk is like (although I’ve found myself many a time wishing for the safety and comfort of the mining cart.) 

I did get to see several outstanding sights my first day, including kite-fighting, some sort of hacky-sack type sport playing with a bamboo ball the size of a five pin bowling ball, several wat (temples), the scuzzy, scuzzy streets of Khao San road and some gorgeous Thai architecture. 

I met up with Rey and Clara later that night and we went for beers at the 7-11 (yes, they serve like a bar there) and wandered around for a bit trading travel stories (although at this point, theirs far exceed mine in terms of interest and number). We’ve travelled together for the last 2 days, sharing taxi costs and taking in several more reknowned Bangkok sights/veritable breeding ground for obnoxious, overweight tourists. I won’t try to describe these to you as no superlative I can come up with could do places like the Royal Palace any justice. Some of these things you just have to see for yourselves. There have been letdowns (Jim Thompsons’ house, the relining Buddha (covered in scaffolding for repairs)) but for the most part, I’ve enjoyed what I’ve seen. 

I know that by now all of you are thinking, “yeah, that’s great and all Johnny, but tell us about the whores. What about the sex shows?” Well, the three of us did take in a show last night at the Queen’s Castle II in Patpong and I guess they did all the things everyone hears about. (mom, skip ahead on this part). Without going into too much detail, darts were shot, cigarettes smoked, ping pong balls launched, long, LONG strings of flowers were produced, letters were written, whistles were blown, candles blown out and chopsticks were utilized with incredible dexterity. All these feats were done, of course, using less than conventional methods if you get my meaning. Was it interesting? Yes. Erotic? No. Entertaining? Barely. Worthwhile? Marginally although you’d be hardpressed to get me in there again. The biggest thrill of the night came when Rey and I rock, paper, scissored to see who would have to go through the mystery curtain to see what went on behind closed doors. I lost and found that unless you ponied up, you weren’t getting behind the damned door. We eventually ascertained that this was where all the disgusting, middle-aged, overweight, balding, lecherous, pedophilic Europeans went with their chosen prepubescent little Thai girls for sucky-sucky. Watching these losers getting hand-jobs for cash was infinitely more entertaining than the girls, I’m sorry to say. I’d still encourage people to go, though, I mean it’s not something you see everyday. 

Hmmm, what else? There are gross, disease ridden dogs and cats everywhere, the pollution is unlike anything witnessed even in the most traffic-laden cities in North America. I shall never again decry the occasional smog cloud that hovers above Vancouver mid-summer after a windless week. We’ve been lucky and the weather has been good and by good I mean rainy and cloudly. It’s still hot enough to sweat out about 8 litres of fluid per hour but, apparently that’s good for this time of year so I’m not complaining about the lack of sun at the moment, I’m sure there’ll be plently of that to come. 

Tonight, Rey and Clara are taking in Muay Thai boxing math whcih I deemed to expensive to spring for. I’m hoping to see some later on for a more feasible price but it looked like it would be a pretty good (by good I mean violent and bloody) show.We’re planning on hitting one of Bangkok’s heavily vaunted nightclubs tonight and will attempt to ward off the advances of all the transsexual go-go dancers. I anticipate eagerly. 

Hope this hasn’t bored you all too much but no one made you read it so I don’t feel that bad. It’s cost me almost two dollars to write. Snap!! I’m so slow and the keyboard is (appropriately perhaps) very sticky. Please keep the positive e-mails coming, I really appreciate hearing from home but if possible leave me off the forward lists for a while cause it fills my message box and I don’t really have money to spend reading chain-mail about little blind kids with liver cancer and epilipsy in Bolivia who’ll be given steak dinners and puppies if only I forward this to 47 of my closest friends. 

Best wishes to all, I’ll talk to you later, 

-dj-